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Archive for August, 2010

Both of my best friends are pregnant.  Both are wonderful mothers who create loving homes for their children and want to raise more children who grow into fine adults who love Jesus.  Both have suffered with infertility issues.  I’m happy for them both… about 80%.  The remaining 20% is pretty stinking jealous.  I know I am supposed to rejoice with those who rejoice (it says so in Romans 12:15).  And I am thrilled for their families and for their children to be able to have a little baby brother or sister to add to their families.  But there is still that nagging, annoying, pesky 20% of me that wonders why others get what they want when I don’t.  Why do they get happy marriages?  Why do they get financial success?  Why do they get to have more babies?  I don’t have the answers to these questions, in fact, I feel kind of rotten for having written them in this blog, let alone admit them to myself.  But there it is. 

I want to have another baby.  I want to find love and be married to a godly, loving partner and with God’s blessing, create a little bit of both of us out of that love.  I want to be able to give my son a sibling to cuddle, laugh with, protect, and annoy.  I want to be able to experience the joy of nursing my child while she sleeps.  Yep- I said “she.”  I want a little girl.  When I was pregnant with Michael Charles, I never once even cared what gender we were having (we wanted to be surprised).  All I ever prayed for was a healthy baby.  And God answered my prayers.  I love my son and he is the perfect boy for me- all energy, enthusiasm, and pizzaz!  He loves High School Musical and Star Wars- he’s the best of both worlds!  But he’s a boy.  There are so many precious experiences that I have with him, and I am so thankful for those, but they are different from the ones I would have with a daughter. 

I asked a dear friend the other day how old was too old (for us normal, non-Hollywood types who will not even consider fertility treatments) and she said 40. She also lovingly told me that she thought I was too good of a mother to only have 1 child to spend that love on.  That made me feel better, especially considering the fact that she has 4 pretty amazing children of her own.  The problem is that I’m closing in on that age pretty fast.  When and if I meet this amazing man of my prayers, will he feel the same about having more children?  I know it is in God’s hands and His timing.  But I don’t always like being patient…or being told no.  I don’t know what the future holds, but until then, I will continue to pray that it involves a little baby girl.

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Days like this

From the “draft” folder, I began this one and never finished it. 

Yesterday was my fifth official Mother’s Day.  And it was PERFECT.  That does not mean that everything went perfectly; on the contrary.  The morning did not go as planned.  But, I got to spend almost every second with my precious son until he left to go back to his dad’s house with tears in his eyes.  Yesterday I worshiped my Father.  Yesterday I held my angel boy while listening to one of my favorite songs beautifully sung at church.  Yesterday, I ate at one of my favorite restarants with one of my favorite families.  Yesterday, I laid down for a nap on cool sheets, played with my son in the back yard, received kisses from my dogs.  Yesterday I got text messages from former students wishing me Happy Mother’s Day.  I saw a wonderful friend, ate pizza, drank cold beer, and watched Pride and Prejudice.

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